Bring It In and Begin

silky wings
slip through choppy flight
I release and pause
with momentum under
a quiet moment
to tell you I love you
a breath so natural
an exhale with your name

instead I seal my lips
turning to face inward
my heart so open
with silence I fly
into new and old wounds
I will do more than recover
not knowing the next unfolding
I can surrender without losing.

On the Shore of Everything I Created (Without You)

this quiet night
i reach
to sense
for the opening
to a calm
about the choice you made
to collapse your world
to shift
your focus
and to find your place
within the arms
of this new universe
on the shore of everything
i created without you.

there is a shakiness
that comes with this
heading out each morning
locking my front door
half expecting to see you there
when i turn to face the day
relieved at the impossibility
still, scanning the slushy streets
looking over my shoulder
on the streetcar, wondering
what you look like
as a stranger now
from across a crowd of people.

and now that you’re here
somewhere tangible
within this city
i can get a little choked up
thinking of what you might be facing
but i know better
to not extend my reach
into the nothingness
that swallows our history
we have nothing there now
to balance on
this means something new
needs to be created
and there is simply
no place for that.

instead i see myself
settling into an order
that has been restored
you are here
with those you love
who i love too
and they all love us
so I’m somehow happy
to know you are nestled
into your own fold
of this night unwinding.

With My Arm Wrapped Around Her

I often dream of my grandma
glimmering Ukraine eyes
sometimes right up close
draped in her mink coat
overlooking a mint green sea
on a continent I’ve never been
my arm wrapped around her
offering affection
she would not reach for then
but was claiming here right now.

I moved from within
to enfold her
capable and sturdy
all 4 foot ten of her
my head tilted to touch hers
my chin itchy
on her cashmere beret
her sparkling brooch
dialoguing with the sea
looking down at her face
I see her eyes
steady and smiling
and I knew
that us meeting here
like this
was no minor thing.

Other times it’s over there,
I see her in saccharine mist
walking a leafy autumn hill
alone as she would have it
and I deeply sense
the deliberation of her choice
to be with me
extending vigor and clout
to take into my waking
sleepy morning darkness.

I Saw it Living Inside

the art inside me
seeped out on bloor st. west
the snow beneath my heel
i felt the art
that i’ve been reaching to create
i saw it living right inside
with me everywhere
spilling out so effortlessly
now, onto this moment and that
and i wonder if
this is what it’s like.

without the old tether
i see that things like inspiration
are right here
in the radiatar and red clock,
not perplexing me.

How Tomorrow Brought My Heart Back

a moment to exhale hope, again
with the same light
that shone through
the fractures
one year ago
warming me
keeping me.

except this time
the unseen side
is seen
and (most) unidentified elements
have revealed themselves.

there is no icy wind
rattling my lonliness
and my heart is far from flat.

and this time,
the twinkle on the christmas tree winks
as i smirk once again
and tell her she was right,
tomorrow did indeed bring my heart back.

~ in response to this moment’s post last year ~

The Year Has Come

a swirl and a tuck
i’m still out in exile
and have decided to linger
summon and move with the forces
that this in between brings.

the year has come
winter came yesterday to prove it
and i know it hasn’t been rushed
it was a long visit all that time
snowy nights with me and the old speakers
playing all the favs in a stranger’s kitchen.

and now, well
i uncurl and extend
with my heart as a tide pool
feelings loll,
like a perfect microcosm of the sea
a continuation from every point
beginning and ending
over and over and never before.

Most of the Time

well
that was a rush
of love and family
and way too many gifts.

i felt a churn
inside, sedated
yet piercing
and i’m wondering
if it’s real change
i’m ready for,
or my own door
i’m arriving at.

i stretch
my sentimental
memory feelers out
into territory
that usually destroys,
but now it’s like probing
a static picture,
nothing moving
nothing hurting.

and i wonder if
i’ve moved beyond
or if i’ve simply
cacooned up
as an act
of self-preservation,
waiting to emerge
some other time.

either way,
i got through christmas
and i smiled
real smiles,
most of the time.