To Make Everything Right Again

life seems to be made up
of miniature elements stacked
without much notice.

and then, when it’s gone
well, yes – it all comes
a’ swarming in
and floods your eyes
so all you can see is that.

and you walk around
with a big gaping hole
missing in your heart
with a bit of dismemberment
thrown into the mix.

all you can do
is hold onto shreds of yourself
left over,
from some other time.

hold onto it
and grow into more
so that it eventually
fills up all the mistakes
and guilt and hate
and makes you
into a human you can love
again – or for the first time.

a hard thing to accept,
the reality of pure
cause and effect,
no destiny, no magical meaning,
no hidden reason
lurking in the shadows
waiting to unravel itself,
to make everything right again.

The Lowlands

inspired by Gillian Welch’s song “Lowlands”

“Oh I’ve been in the lowlands too long
Oh, I know, I know that I should go
And I’ve been in the lowlands too long

This is not how it was at the start
There’s a doubt and a blame in my heart
And it’s no one else, no fault but my own
And I’ve been in the low lands too long”

living in the lowlands
of my heart,
there aren’t any pretty birds
or tall trees.

i only see
long roads of dust and muck
as each day turns over,
shameless and naked.

down here,
it’s hard to know
what’s really inside;
as though i’ve blindfolded myself,
then chopped off my hands.

for a moment
when all is revealed,
but i know it’s tinier
and trickier than that –
like pin tracks on my life
that i’ll only notice
when it reaches a billion.

for now,
i’m trying to regrow
and as for the road ahead,
i’ll just have to keep on.

Most of the Time

that was a rush
of love and family
and way too many gifts.

i felt a churn
inside, sedated
yet piercing
and i’m wondering
if it’s real change
i’m ready for,
or my own door
i’m arriving at.

i stretch
my sentimental
memory feelers out
into territory
that usually destroys,
but now it’s like probing
a static picture,
nothing moving
nothing hurting.

and i wonder if
i’ve moved beyond
or if i’ve simply
cacooned up
as an act
of self-preservation,
waiting to emerge
some other time.

either way,
i got through christmas
and i smiled
real smiles,
most of the time.

Let the River In


ease on it, light the dim. work my way out into a brighter area, something i can accept and understand. take care of yourself, my friends tell me. sometimes, i don’t know what this means. but when i listen to music like this, i get an idea of what that could mean for me. listen to yourself, the words inside that are wrapped around feelings and ideas, express myself, don’t be afraid. let the river in. without being submerged nor attempting transcendence…i struggle to find the courage to be inspired by myself. with so much gone and shaky, and old and new, and blown to bits…with so much sad-hearted twisting, i struggle to get through and burrow into this thing inside of me.

here is a song that feels right for me today. i’ve been enjoying Radical Face’s album Ghost. It’s simple and complicated, and it takes you places. Layered, with soothing and soulful lyrics.