a swirl and a tuck
i’m still out in exile
and have decided to linger
summon and move with the forces
that this in between brings.
the year has come
winter came yesterday to prove it
and i know it hasn’t been rushed
it was a long visit all that time
snowy nights with me and the old speakers
playing all the favs in a stranger’s kitchen.
and now, well
i uncurl and extend
with my heart as a tide pool
like a perfect microcosm of the sea
a continuation from every point
beginning and ending
over and over and never before.
maybe i can stretch out
and open up some wounds
things i wish that never took place
play it over and over to see
where the wrong turn happened
and beat myself up a little, again
just to do it all over
make sure i am right in feeling
how crap it is to lose yourself.
or maybe i can slow down
to fix this feeling
let a new arrangement arrange itself
watch things shift without a big push
wait until i feel the right moment
to slide into position
and face the life
i’ve made for myself.
and maybe i can dig deep
to find the kernel
that’s going to bring it all together
to make me know how to love
to never be outside myself
to always do the right thing.
or maybe there’s just nothing i can do.
because you’re right
it’s good to see how shitty i was
there is nothing interesting about it
it was just a shitty thing to do
it all slid so quickly
like a glass falling
that you catch for a second,
thinking you’ve got it
then it slips again and you fumble to grab it
touching it lightly
before is smashes all around you.
i have no excuses, it’s all laid bare. i want this piece of writing to mark the end of an era of writing about this. it’s redundant and just plain old sad. so let it be known – a new era has begun.
particles of everything
make up the whole
and i know that nothing or nobody
is ever a simple plan
or anything less than a biological movement
trying its best for balance.
maybe i had become a shell
inside of a shell
with half-feelings retracted from myself
because it came in small particles
with density so huge
the imbalance knew it needed to diffuse
do something to rattle the scales.
I’m not very happy about it
but if i did it, i did it
with something strong enough
inside of me to bring me out of myself
to risk, to hurt
and give myself veritably nothing in return,
aside from the experience
which folded in on itself anyway.
I keep being told
that this is where the gift begins
because now all the details and bits
of truths or perceptions or illusions
are so scattered and dispersed,
that all i can do is use the intuition
i should’ve been listening to all the while.
the slippery slope of love when it happens is like wrapping my head around an impossible idea, leading to happiness, lagging to depression, either way i’m up for it and scared of everything. waiting on a broken dream to be miraculously fused back together again. i know it won’t happen. i don’t know if it will happen. i want it to happen. i don’t want it to happen. i’m ready to walk away; i don’t know why i’m walking away. i don’t know how i walked away; i don’t know how i ever stayed. loosening my grip on my past doesn’t get any easier and i’m stuck in between then and now and all of the possibilities ever. i reach for your blue and want to fall under the soothing and hypnotic trance of love and as i extend i also withdraw and turn to look behind me. something is chasing me; something is running away from me. i run away from it; i chase after it.